1, 2, 3, 4 I declare a war!
by yellowxxxlily
Summary: “I won’t stop till you all come and play in the snow with me,” Sirius pouted. What started out as an innocent game turns into a hilarious battle of the egos. Marauder havoc coupled with Lily and James... oneshot!


**A.N: **Hey! Okay well this is something that I just thought of in the car a while back and I haven't really had time to work on it because of Still Fighting It but I've finally finished doing this, I'm having trouble with Chapter 9 but it will be up soon so don't despair! Anyway I hope you enjoy this! And remember to review!

**The first verse of the song is to the tune of 'I Love You' and verse two is to 'Baa Baa Black Sheep'**

**

* * *

1, 2, 3, 4… I Declare a Snow War:**

"Afternoon Lily," Sirius Black said as he plopped down next to her.

"Black," she nodded her to acknowledge she had heard him and then turned back to the Potions essay in her hand, "Three drops of murlap essence and add another counter clockwise stir to the fourth step and your draught should be fine."

The second year girl gave her an appraising look and thanked her. Before Sirius could try to make any more conversation, an excited Mary Summers jumped onto Lily's lap.

"Mary what happened to you? You're freezing. Look at your hair, it's a… oh my gosh! Is that snow?"

There were indeed specks of snow in Mary's short brown hair. She shook her hair, her blue eyes alight with excitement, and the small specks floated onto Lily's lap. "Yup, it's snowing!"

Sirius had gotten up after hearing this. He was now gallivanting across the room in the most peculiar fashion chanting:

"_I love snow,_

_Snow loves me,_

_We're a happy snowy team,_

_With a great big snowball,_

_And a wet fall from me to you,_

_Won't you say you'll join me for a war?"_

The other marauders had wondered into the room and were looking away in embarrassment. "I don't know him," mumbled Remus.

"Mate calm down, I think everyone's seen enough for today," said a grinning James

"I won't stop till you all come and play in the snow with me," Sirius pouted and then burst into the next verse:

"_Snow, Snow, Snowy Snow,_

_Have you any snow?_

_Yes sir, Yes sir,_

_A whole ground full,_

_Some for the girlies and some for the boys,_

_A whole lot for Sirius,_

_Who is king of it all!"_

"Make it stop!" cried Lily

"Only if you play with me!" He opened his mouth ready to burst into a fresh verse 3

"Okay, okay we'll play with you!" screamed Mary, scaring some first years.

"We are? I thought we were going to be studying?" Lily asked

"Come on Lils, it'll be fun. It's probably the last afternoon of freedom we'll have till the end of NEWTs. Anyway," she smirked, "It won't be a very long 'war'. We'll beat them in a jiffy!"

"Did you hear that Marauders?" James asked competitively

"Yes!" they shouted

"Guys calm down; you're scaring the first and second years. lets take this outside," said the practical Lily. She paused and then devilishly added, "We wouldn't want to embarrass you in front of all these people." Mary and Lily high-fived.

The four boys laughed and the group headed towards the portrait hole, already scheming how the other team would meet their demise. All of them, that is, except Sirius.

"Sirius, now what's wrong?"

"I well… promise you won't laugh?"

"Sirius just hurry up and get it over with, the snow will have disappeared by the time we get there!" muttered an impatient Mary

"Promise," repeated the ever stubborn Sirius

"Gosh! I promise not to laugh at you. I'll save it for when Lily and I kill your team!"

"Well you remember that muggle girl I had a… an encounter with," James let out a loud laugh and continued, "I had an encounter with over the summer?"

All the Marauders nodded and Remus rolled his eyes. The Marauders had heard about the "encounter in nauseating detail.

"Yeah well she worked at a costume shop and we… we play some games," James let out a chuckle. Sirius glared and carried on, "Well anyway, I still have some costumes that we used left over. So since we're having a war I reckon we should dress like it too," he finished with a flourish and a BIG smile.

"Are you serious?" sputtered Mary?

Sirius looked offended, "Why what's wrong with it? Might as well get into the spirit!"

"What's wrong is that none of us want to wear the clothes you probably had… a through physical encounter in. They're probably all raunchy costumes anyway that no sane person would wear," Mary replied promptly

"Are you calling me insane?" he asked in mock horror

"Yeah, that's about right," the group gave general nods in his direction

"To think I call you my friends! For your information they weren't typical… games. They were quite original. They had an olden day theme to them."

"What like the Renaissance?" Lily asked with interest

"Renai- what?"

"Never mind, just go fetch the damn costumes so we can get this over with," piped up Peter.

Sirius ran to their dorm and was back in no time with a big black bag that he handed to Mary. Mary examined the contents of the bag as the walked to the grounds. She giggled as she help up two round objects. "Fluffy handcuffs Sirius, so macho and not to mention 'olden dayish'."

"Give those here! I must have forgotten to take those out," he muttered as he stowed them away into his pocket while everyone else laughed.

"So, what exactly does this snow fight consist of Sirius?" asked a now seated Lily.

"Well, it's simple actually. You just pelt the other teams with snowballs like this!" and he threw one right into Lily's face,

Lily spat it onto her hand, "Is there no way to make this slightly less juvenile?"

Sirius glared at her, "Why Lily it's not juvenile at all! It's extremely sophisticatelated, just like me!"

Lily smiled brightly, "Exactly, it's extremely sophisticalted, which in other words means highly juvenile."

Everyone laughed and James said, "She got you there mate."

"Are you James Potter, my bestest friendie in the wholest widest world agreeing with Lily Evans, your worstest enemy ever?"

Peter snickered, "Uh yeah Padfoot I think that's what he said."

"Psht! Why are we friends again remind me?" Sirius asked with a pout

Remus grinned, "Because… you wouldn't know the difference between a helicopter and a bird if we weren't friends."

"Yes I would! I can't believe you had the courtesy to say such a thing!"

"I think you mean audacity Sirius," chuckled Lily

"Moony it's all your fault teaching me wrong things! I bet a helicopter doesn't have feathers and courtesy doesn't mean the nerve to and sophisticalted probably doesn't mean clever."

"Well Padfoot if you ever listened to what I told you, you would know that courtesy means to be polite, _birds_ have feathers and that the _sophisticated _means clever."

Sirius clutched his head in pain, "Remus look what you've done! OW! My brain has to rearrange all the information now…. OW!" with that Sirius was tumbling all over the floor with his legs writhing and his arms failing about.

A startled girl who was walking by ran to Sirius' side. "Sirius are you alright?" asked the worried seventh year Hufflepuff.

Sirius looked up at the sound of her voice, "I will be if you join us for a snow war?"

The brunette hesitated and after catching a glimpse of Sirius' wide smile she reluctantly shrugged her shoulders, her navy eyes cautious, "Yeah, I guess that'll be fun. I'm Kelsey by the way."

"Righto ho! Now we have equal team-"

Lily interrupted him sharply, "No sorry Sirius, we only have 3 people and you have 4."

"Whatever made you think you have 3? Why Remmie boy here is going to be on your team, you'll need his expertise."

"But then you only have 3?" reasoned Lily

"Oh don't worry, I count as two people – my charm as one person and my intellect as another. now are there anymore interruptions or can I finally explain the rules?"

"Sirius…"

"WHAT?!"

"Well I think that…" James paused wondering how to phrase it.

Mary said it for him, perhaps more bluntly then necessary, "Sirius just shut up, get off your pedestal and let Remus explain."

"I hope the pink polka dotted rabbits come and eat you in your sleep Mary Summers!" Sirius stated as he gave Mary this death threat.

"I'm shivering, oh wait that's because of the snow and not your pathetic threats!"

"The porcupines will hurt you for that!"

"Anyway," Remus said as he tried to speak, "Basically you have to get the other team to surrender their fort to you using whatever means necessary. But remember that you aren't allowed to use any magic. Think of it as a proper war, all the formalities included."

Sirius looked perplexed, "My game wasn't this hard."

"Yes it was Padfoot, you probably don't remember," piped up Peter

"You're right, I have so many important things to think of all the time anyway," Sirius scratched his head, "Shall we start then?"

"3, 2, 1…… I DECLARE A SNOW WAR!"

**oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo**

"Okay so what's our strategy?"

"Throw balls?"

"Clever!"

"I'm scared of snow…"

"You sissy!"

"Shut up!"

"I refuse to"

"But it's not nice to be mean"

"Does it look like I care. I wasn't mean anyway, I was telling the truth…. Uh! Aren't we supposed to attack the other team?"

"Yes but you started and I had to fight back"

"Look whose being mean now!"

"Cut it out you two!"

"Why should we for you?"

"Because, if you don't then we are going to get pummeled and we don't want that now do we?"

"I could beat them with my eyes closed"

"You cocky idiot"

**oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo**

"So what's our strategy for beating the idiots?"

"Well, I was thinking…"

"Yeah?"

"Queen Elizabeth used this strategy but I guess it's pretty self sufficient"

"Queen who?"

"She was Queen of England in the 1600's"

"Oh ok, so what was her secret plan?"

"Well if we have one person making the snowballs and another one passing them to two people who will throw them at the other group."

"So like an assembly line?"

"Yes! You really are smarter than the rest!"

"So who's going to do what?"

"I'll throw"

"Me too"

"I want to build the balls, I've had practice with my sister."

"I'll pass, I can't mess that up can I?"

"Let's go team!"

**oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo**

"We need a battle name…"

"A what?"

"Are you stupid? A battle name, like a name for our team"

"The might crusaders"

"How about the… British Nazi's"

"Mate… that's a direct contradiction"

"Contra-? It's alright I know it's cool, no need to flatter me too much."

"Gosh, I can see your head growing bigger"

"AAAH! GET ME A MIRROR MY HEAD!"

**oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo**

Lily laughed as she continued to pelt Sirius with snowballs, "Take that you self righteous fools."

James, curled up into a ball, was desperately trying to make snowballs. "Sirius and Peter, you idiots, don't just sit there! Make snowballs to fight back with!"

"Aaah! They won't stop! Prongs I'm surrendering, my hair can't take all this ice."

"I'm scared of snow. Lily stop!" screeched Peter.

"You numbskulls, it's only been two minutes and you want to surrender. I told you we needed a proper strategy." James paused for a second and then screamed as loud as he possibly could, "RETREAT!"

The trio ran back behind the tree trunk they had come from, breathing heavily. This was while the other team were hugging and screaming 'VICTORY'

**oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo**

"Well that went well don't you think," mumbled Peter

"Oh yes Wormtail! Fan-bloody-tastic! I swear I can't even feel my bum it's so cold!"

"Sirius stop snapping at him, he doesn't deserve it. We're all to blame."

"I'm north-"

James carried on oblivious to Sirius' interruption, "We need a plan. Now form what I've read-"

"Prongs you read?" Sirius asked in shock.

"Yes Sirius, occasionally I do," James replied nonchalantly

"I disown you completely! You're going to turn into a soppy romantic like Remus soon! What did you do to my best friend?" demanded Sirius

"Sirius can you focus! You have ADD!"

"AD- Oh look a butterfly!"

"Sirius!" screamed Peter

James and Sirius both turned to look at him in surprise, "What?" he asked, "I just don't wanna be beat by a group of…" he paused and wrinkled his nose in disgust, "girls!"

James and Sirius laughed. "Right now as I said I think that they are doing what the English did in WW2, they've created an assembly line and all we have to do is do what the Germans did. Before you ask what Sirius I'll tell you," James said shushing Sirius. "The Germans bombed the airplane factories so that the British couldn't fly. In the same way if we break their assembly line and have our own running then we could easily win."

"Woah, that's brilliant James," said an awestruck Peter

"Nice one Prongs, Lily and co. won't know what hit them."

**oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo**

"We should take prisoners of war this time."

"Good idea Kelsey"

"Thanks Mary."

"Right, are you guys all set on the assembly line here?"

"Yeah we're perfect. You and Remus are doing an excellent job by the way!"

"Thanks Kelsey"

"I think we need a name…"

"How's 'The Luftwaffe'?"

"The what?" asked the rest of the group with puzzled looks on their faces

"It was the name of the German Air force," Lily explained patiently

"Did they win?" Remus asked with interest

"Well… actually no they didn't. But they were very good in the beginning," Lily added hopefully

"Does anyone have any other suggestions? No? Alrighty the Luftwaffe it is!" said Mary proudly.

"GO LUFTWAFFE!" they shouted together. Before they could run however, there was a collective groan as the members of the Luftwaffe felt a chill go through their bodies. Their fort had been raided!

"Grab them!"

**oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo**

Ten minutes later a bedraggled Lily, Remus, Mary and Kelsey slouched behind a ditch. "What the hell was that?" Mary asked in exhaustion

"James' probably been reading my muggle history books," Remus replied sadly

"Well that leaves us in a very bad position," stated Lily sadly

"Not necessarily," Kelsey spoke up

They all looked towards her in curiosity, she had been fairly quite up till now. "Yeah Kelsey," Lily urged her on

"Well, since this is a war… can't we 'negotiate' with them and come to an agreement so that neither team looses."

Remus nodded his head in agreement, "That's a great idea except that James and Sirius will never accept defeat. Under any conditions whatsoever, there egos couldn't deal with the blow," Remus said with a chuckle. Then suddenly his stomach growled. He grinned sheepishly, "Sorry, must be getting late."

Lily stared at him in astonishment, "You're a bloody genius Remus!" Lily started pacing about while muttering to herself.

"Do enlighten us about this epiphany of yours," Mary asked in a bored tone

"What's the one thing that James and Sirius will do anything for?" Lily asked in excitement

A look passed between the three in the group and together they shouted "FOOD!"

**oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo**

Sirius groaned, "Prongsie, Wormtail, why do they keep shouting things about food… do they realize that they're torturing me?"

"Shut up Sirius, you're interrupting my fantasy…" James slowly carried on, "of a big bowl of macaroni covered with cheese and a whole pitcher of pumpkin juice." The three boys licked their lips in hunger and James continued, "and a big slice of treacle tart and a big cream cake with Lily inside." James turned beetroot, "I mean vannily, vannily inside."

Sirius stared at him in amusement and carried on chomping on the round powdery object in his hand. "Yeah sure Prongs, I thought you were _over _her."

James and Peter stared at him in horror, "What?! Is there a zit on my chin? Oh god is my head blowing up again? Wormtail do something!"

James asked Sirius slowly, his face disgusted, "Mate what are you eating?"

"I dunno, some kinda muggle delicacy I think," Sirius said casually

"Where did you find it?" James asked even slower

"Um in that costume bag," he pulled out a smock and beret, "It was in a box with these."

James looked at him in fear, "Sirius you're eating paint!"

"Paint hey? Tastes kinda like soap. Would you like some?" he offered Peter and James

"Sirius!" James screamed, "It's freaking poisonous!"

Sirius looked at him in revulsion and then slowly a look of understanding replaced it, "Aw Prongs I understand, you want one don't you? I already offered mate, I'm quite full had 3 of these already, the red ones are the best."

"Sirius he's being serious-"

Sirius laughed loudly, "Of course he is Wormtail everyone's serious around Sirius!"

"Padfoot shut up! I remember my mom told me never to eat paint because it was toxic, especially the red one," Peter screamed

Sirius looked distressed, "Prongs are you telling the truth?"

"Yeah, we better take you to the hospi-"

But before he could continue Sirius grasped his throat and started screaming, "I'm going to die! I'm going to die! Save me! Save me! HELP!"

Peter clutched his ears while James tried to think of a way to shut Sirius up, "Look a hot blonde," he screamed in desperation.

Sirius immediately stopped his racket and straighten himself on the ground and suavely said, "Hey babes."

He heard a giggle and looked up to find the exact opposite of a hot blonde, his cousin Bellatrix, "Nice one cousin," she gave him a scathing look and walked away in disgust.

"JAMES POTTER YOU ARE SO DEAD!"

**oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo**

Lily looked up in surprise to find a disgruntled James Potter staring at her. She instantly started pelting him with snowballs as did the rest of her team.

"Stop! Stop! I surrender," he screamed in agony. Lily then realized that he had several twigs in his hair and he looked like a mess.

"What happened to you?" she asked in surprise

James told them the whole paint story and ended with telling them how Sirius had tried to throttle him to death and now how he had abandoned his group and wanted to join their team.

"So you admit we were better than you," Lily asked knowing how much it would cost him to admit that they were in fact better than his team

He surprised her, "Yeah Lils, you're better than us," without a single grimace

Lily was taken a back but carried, "So what do you think they're going to do now," she asked the group

James replied with ease, "If Sirius is having a good day then they'll probably just run here dressed as Indians, try to ambush our fort and throw snowballs at us."

Lily nodded and said, "I have a plan"

**oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo**

"Wormtail, we're going to be warriors now!"

"Padfoot…"

"Yes Wormtail…" Sirius asked distractedly, he was going through the contents of the costume bag

"What exactly do warriors do?" Peter asked scratching his head

"Um, they yodel and they…" he paused as he reached into the bag, his eyes alight, and "they wear the coolest costumes around!"

Peter looked at the articles of clothing in disgust, "We have to wear that," he asked pointing to the leather pants and feather headdress' Sirius was pointing at.

"Yup!" Sirius yelped excitedly

"I refuse."

"No can do Wormtail. You signed the British Nazi agreement that you will be my slave for the rest of eternity."

"I did?" Peter asked meekly

"Yup! Your memory is terrible Peter!"

"Yeah I agree."

"Okay so we're going to wear these, yodel and then throw snowballs at them! It'll be a complete surprise!"

**oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo**

"YOOOOODELLLLLLLLLLLLEHAAAAAAAAAAA!" screeched Sirius and Peter

"Throw Peter, throw!" shouted Sirius

"Sirius there's no one here," exclaimed Peter in shock

Sirius looked around, "Oh crap," he muttered.

"ATTACK!" yelled Mary

Sirius and Peter ran into opposite directions and collided into each other. "Wormtail you idiot! Wormtail? Wormtail?" Peter had collapsed. "Wormtail get up!" Sirius kicked Peter's limp body and realized that Peter wasn't going to wake up anytime soon.

Suddenly he felt water, water everywhere. He was now the target of 5 people, _and_ he wasn't wearing a shirt! He cursed the muggle girl who he ha a… an encounter with for not putting in a shirt. It was then that he decided that he had no other option…

Sirius fell to the floor and knelt before Lily, "Oh mighty Queen Evans please forgive me for my insolence," he paused and winked at Remus who was looking very proud, "I promise never to undermine your rule of law again."

Lily stared at him, puzzled, and threw another snowball in his direction, "Will you stop with the snowballs!" he screeched, "I surrender"

"Oh why didn't you say that earlier? Sirius you're such an imbecile sometimes. Sirius?" Lily asked worried

Sirius had turned an unnaturally green hue, "Oh shit, it must the paint," mumbled Remus

"Oh no, it's not. I washed the paint down with some water I found in a bottle. I remembered what you told me Remus!" Sirius said eagerly and then clutched his stomach in pain.

"Before I'm proud Sirius," Remus cautiously asked, "What kind of water Sirius?"

"Um… it was turpentine flavour. Damn that stuff was dee-licious. Why haven't I had it be-" before he could finish Sirius puked all over the ground.

"SIRIUS!"


End file.
